we go through this every year, dear readers, and we're going to go through it again.
you slave over a hot stove all day long. you make the stuffing, the potatoes, the rolls, the green beans, the gravy, all that shit. . . and you spend hours- HOURS- making sure that the turkey is cooked just right. cook it too much and it's dry. cook it too little and you've just given all your houseguests explosive diarrhea.
you put all this work into your fucking turkey and it's sitting on the table looking all succulent and shit, and then everyone says grace and it's time to dig in, and what do you do? i'll tell you what you do. you open up a fucking CAN of CRANBERRY SAUCE and you plop a shuddering red cylinder of that shit out of the can and onto your plate, and you put that bullshit all over the turkey that you spent so many precious hours of your life cooking. hours that you can never get back.
i'm going to break it down for you, cats and kittens: you just took the EASIEST staple of the thanksgiving menu, and you fucking PHONED IT IN. i guarantee you, if you ever had real, homemade cranberry sauce, you would throat-punch anyone who ever tried to serve that canned shit in your house. for one thing, it's tart, it's sweet, it's fucking goddamn delicious. for another thing, it doesn't have that weird metallic aftertaste. for another thing, it's a very hard recipe to fuck up. it's easy enough to make and you can even customize it to make it kinda fancy and impress the shit out of your houseguests who bought their fucking pie at the store anyway.
here you go, and you're very fucking welcome:
1 bag of cranberries
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
throw it in a pot. bring it to a boil. bring the heat down a little and let it cook until the berries have broken up, MAYBE five minutes tops. THAT'S IT. YOU'RE DONE. if you wanted to fancy it up, substitute 1/2 a cup of water with 1/2 a cup of orange juice, or 1/2 a cup of meyer's dark rum (let that alcohol cook off though, or that shit is gonna taste like. . . well, it's gonna taste like you're french kissing me. which you've probably already done. if you haven't, your friend has. she can tell you all about it) and throw in a little ORANGE ZEST, SON! awwwwww yeah, you have just made some fucking BANGING cranberry sauce.
so that's it. we're done for this year. i'll be back again next year around this time. until then, this is the joseph grey telling you to MAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING SAUCE.